second movement

crazytown

2011-02-03T11:53:00.000+08:00

"Change"

Now in these cynical times
Sterotypical minds
Got me falling from my pinnacle the minute I climb
Now these subliminal thoughts got individuals blind
I'm trying to look beyond the lies
Just to see what I'll find
I'm like a flower in a cave
Another hour in the maze
And I'll cower to the power of my criminal ways
The sun is shining but I'm catching minimal rays
It's time for me to bloom out of this childish phase
My life is like a battle that I'll probably never win
'Cause I keep thinking big and risking everything
Life's a challenge and I wonder if I'll ever find the balance
Mixed emotions and confusion topped off with minor talents

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)

My finger's pointing in the mirror
I'm the one now
I see my shadow in the sun dial
Am I really out of change
Put my freedom in a cage
There's nothing new thay all said it
And I know it but I had to go throught it myself
I'm hard-headed
That's the only way I'll learn
Get caught in the fire ther's no escaping the burn
And it burns
Change this
Change that
Change is full of lies
I remain the same cat wear a good disquise
Living life looking through my third blind crooked eye
So if I change I'd be changing for the worst wouldn't I?

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)

I wanna run but if I run I'm only running form myself
Would it be easier if I were someone else
I'm like a child playin' with matches that's never beeen burned
Relearning all the lessons that I've already learned
On a highway to a destinatin I've earned
So many exits, but I've never bothered to turn
I'm like a piece of shard glass laying on a frame of a window
That was broken by the bricks of pain
Sometimes I feel just like the devil's guinea pig
He's watching me just to see how deep I can dig
I admit I'm fucked up and got a lot to learn
So now I'm dancing in the ashes of the bridge I've burned

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever change
Can I change
Would I change
Or am I always gonna be the same
I blame the world for making me such a freak
But the world wants to blame it on me
(my life is twisted)

brave song

2010-12-29T13:58:00.001+08:00

more and more i find myself thinking of the afterlife. not about death ifself, but what comes after. it has got to be more purposeful over there. here, i am like driftwood floting aimlessly down a stream. given a choice, would i choose to skip over life from now and head straight to the afterlife? so many terrible things have happened in this world, caused by us and our never-ceasing conflicts with everything.

that is our nature is it not? our struggles by which we define ourselves. and yet we have to capacity for so much good as well, our compassion right beside the cruelty. i believe thats the purpose of this life, to give ourselves the chance to be worthy of what comes after. can we rise above ourselves? or will be chained by our own faults and weaknesses. i believe i am among the lucky ones, who have been given a chance to experience a fulfilling life. but i know ive squandered so much of that time, i have done nothing that i can be proud of, nothing that matters.

if this is truly what life is about, can i live now with that understanding? can i change? or will i be held back by myself. i have the Book and all its Truth, so will i follow? and what about the choices of this world. i will take nothing with me, neither wealth nor friendships. so is there wisdom in pursuing them? is there something more worthy to obtain? i doubt anyone alive knows the answers. but i was put here in this life, so i have to believe it is worth living. i think i will try to change bit by bit, and have faith that things will work out somehow.

so given the chance to skip right to the afterlife. will i choose it?
no i think, id rather live my life according to my choices.
and when i die, ill find out if ive earned the right to enter paradise.

not the final fantasy

2010-12-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

well its been very long since ive been here. the thing about blogging is that when something happens and you want to write it down, its never when you're at home, cause c'mon since when does anything remotely out-of-the-norm ever happen there? so its moments like these when ive run out of things to do that i drag myself here. and the best part is, i no longer remember what it was that i wanted to write about.

so lets see, fir is still in australia. it my 2 weeks break now, and i havent lepaked for almost the whole of the first week. see, fir is the undisputed king of lepak so the frequency is way lower when hes out of town. ah well there should be a lepak activation soon enough.

which brings me to my next thing. holidays usually happen after exams. yeah and my exams werentthat great. i think that i wasnt as hungry for success as i was before. a friend of mine really rubs me the wrong way so it kinda kills the joy of learning(how gay). everything becomes a competition. all i want is to sit back and do my work in peace. but i guess thats now what the academic world wants out of you. ok im getting bored of this. later

anthem of the generation

2010-11-10T10:55:00.002+08:00

This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah, with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear

lunch for the soul

2010-09-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

This year, as i head to the mosque for what we in my family call 'smayang rayer', something felt a little different. As i sat and listened to the sermon, and the words from the management of the mosque, i felt like i could finally relate to what they were saying. Past years, i barely listened at all but this time as they spoke abt the ending of Ramadhan and the sense of loss, this time i could actually say i felt the same. Could this mean that im finally grasping the significance of Ramadhan?

Granted I tried my best not to miss trawih, and im quite happy with the number of times i did it. I also started and completed reading a book on the life of Nabi Muhammad S.A.W and it showed me what it meant to truly be a believer. In a way, I was afraid by the distance between what people back then did out of the strength of their faith and what we so easily neglect. As if the sacrifices of the past held to significance to us in our ignorance. It really was a moving book and a very good read. Also all this talk of chasing lailatul qadar.....it really was a special month. And i do miss it a little. Little little things showed me how precious the common things are. I hope ive internalized the lessons and that if there is a next Ramadhan for me, ill do even better.

*******************
Today, the 2nd day of hari rayer i encounted a few events that offered me a glimpse of the mirror of my soul. And i did not like what i saw. Flaws in one's character are the hardestto change so for now im just taking note of it. I hope that in this way, when the situation comes up where i can change the way i act, i will. I belive that i have not reached the peak of my maturity yet, so whatever experiences in the present will colour my future and so being observant seems the best way to come out on top here. The harshest lessons of life are the best teachers. Its passing those lessons thats the bitch right now.

an absolute of life

2010-09-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

today i attended the funeral of a well respected udztad by the name of Muhammad Khair. his death was announced on the airwaves, so that shows just how respected he is in the cummunity. sadly, i never knew him well despite him being my grand-uncle. i never really regretted that while he was alive. but today as i stood there looking down at the lifeless body, i couldnt help but feel that it was such a loss. a loss for the world that a great islamic teacher has passed away, a loss for the family and students that such a wise man has passed away and such a loss for me because i can never get to sit by his feet and gain knowledge anymore and that i never did before.

i looked at him and at all the udztads that came to the funeral and i thought to myself, so great a man has passed away and he did so with so much iman. if i pass away now, or anythime soon what have i got to show for it? so much doa that i do not know, so little of the Quran i have read. i can only debate on the what little understanding of the spirit of islam that i have. is it sufficient? hardly. and so once again the desire to learn took hold of me, making me regret all the time i have wasted and wanting to replace it with the pursuit of iman. i am not ready to die, and the time of my death is not know to me. thus now is the best time to prepare.

but this desire has been awakened in me before and it died soon enough. so i cant help but wonder how long it will last this time. such is the fallacy of human nature.

daymnn

2010-08-18T21:35:00.001+08:00

my conscious mind 2

2010-08-14T02:47:00.000+08:00

Things are a little different this year. family dynamics are a little off, im actually able to fast at home and im having a lot of free time to slowly do what i want to. because of the lack of pressure, i find that i actually want to complete my terawih prayers. im a little more at peace with myself when i pray, more focused on the state of praying, not juz going though the motions as i admit i usually do. in a way, i feel like im being more 'frank' with God. granted, i stopped doing the full 20 raka'at and cut to 8 instead. i find that if i do 20 my 'semangat' to keep going for terawih dies quickly. so at 8, i can keep going all the way. Insha'Allah anw.

People say that they feel cleansed or feel spiritually enhanced during Ramdhan but i dont really feel that. Instead, because of my understanding that this month is special, i change myself a little. I avoid the things that might corrupt my fast, which is a lot more than just avoiding food and water if you grasp my meaning. Iprotect myself a litte more and i do it willingly and consciously. And this makes me feel like im a little different now, a little better. Maybe the change will last even after ramadhan, maybe it wont. But for now, Ramadhan is still a special month to me.

Since i have a lot of time on my hands, i begin to brood again. Thinking about the world's problem and the truths we are too blind to see. Everyone has problems, but the mistake is that we tend to compare the size of the problem instead of its nature. Say for example, a poor person might be able to deal with financial difficulties better than a rich person because he or she has been living that way for a long time. The rich person when forced to live the life of a poor person will most not likely not be able to cope, since he has no previous experience. In this way we can see that certain groups of people can deal with a certain problem, but to others that same problem is crushing. So its no shame to find the problem you face is seemingly too heavy to bear because other things that you can shoulder might be too immense for another person to carry. Allah has promised that no one will be saddled with more problems than he can face. So perhaps we underestimate ourselves too much.

But then again this does not mean that we should give up trying to solve our issues. We are who we choose to be after all. Circumstances might be out of our control but what we do afterwards determine to person we are. Dont just sit back and rage and moan and cry to the world about the unfairness, make the changes that are necessary. If thats too hard, then change yourself so that you can live with it. And you can live with it, simply because you must. To make it easier, bear in mind that in death, all this ceases to matter. Your problems will become so insignificant that its laughable. That mindset will get you through most things in life. Human problems are of the physical world and too great an attachment to this physical world will only bring about suffering. Suffering that is needless.

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! - Wikipedia

YEAH BABY

2010-07-23T15:03:00.005+08:00

my conscious mind

2010-06-22T00:03:00.000+08:00

man its been some time. i understand the draw of twitter now, its hard to recall past events way after the they happend. but lets see, no point talking abt sch...or my daily life, way too dull...so lets talk events. in that long space of time since my prev post, the following has happened:

1) I found out that somewhere in Africa, oil has been leaking out for the last 5 years
2) I renewed a library book and did not touch it afterwards
3) I built my own com from scratch, then built hudz'z com from scratch
4) I started examining my conscious mind

my conscious thoughts are actually my conclusions from internal dialogues with myself, of which i have too many. see we spend our days ruled mostly by our feelings and pay little heed to our mind *insert whatever relevant e.g. from your life here* so ive lately begun to pick apart that feeling and see if my mind can justify it. so shoot me dead and call me a carcass but things aint looking good. see my new rig is something ive always wanted, but when i got it, i wasnt sated. i wanted to build another and another and another. owning a com does not make me happy, building one does. so this is my desire that cant be sated. my mind insults me on my waste of money.

your conscious mind is what is left when you strip away all irrelevant human emotions. pride, defiance, anger etc. it leads you to a final conclusion that leaves you with 2 choices. accept it or deny it. the sin you know is better than the sin you dont. so sometimes the brutal honesty with yourself serves you better. but as you peel away all the crap that comes with human emotions, you'll find that you will have less and less tolerance for another's bullshit and bullshit in general. so take note before you bleed sarcasm and crush another's ego. though it does not have a warranty or guarantee, your conscious mind is capable of profound thoughts. that is, if you're awesome.

so next time after your tantrum, when you feel that your life sucks, no one cares and all that shit. remember this: the only common denominator between all these events is yourself. the situation is never as bad as you imagine and yes you can make it worse. what you choose to say out of anger you cant ever take back. so keep it in your conscious mind where you can truly examine what went wrong and what can be done to rectify it. the conclusions you come to can be quite startling and better than any books for dummies. when things work out as they are wont to do, your conscious mind will thank you for it in the long run. most of the time anyway. rest of the time, you're just fked.

updead

2010-05-04T22:31:00.000+08:00

a friend reminded me of something that happened in the past and so i was semangated to read through my past posts in this blog. i must say, it was way better than what i thought. im not bad as a blogger dokk. im glad i decided to blog, there were memories i recalled only wheni read through the posts. from the founding of lepakSG to my struggles to move on from the As. its been a long road and a very eventful one. nowadays i get the inspiration to blog quite regularly but im far too lazy. coz of school.

see, sch is moving at a pace that can only be compared to a sniper moving from point A to B. you only realize you've moved when you reach point B, the journey itself was so slow you fail to notice it. with that kind of slow pace, it aint a surprise ive begun to lose steam. slacking everyday after school. want to do work also cannot, because theres no work to do. lepak lepak lepak. also been weirdly tired, must be the long hours spent doing nothing. sleep on the bus, sometimes in class. sleep a lot at home. yeah well whatever. life's really slow right now.

the second movement

2010-04-18T22:01:00.000+08:00

well a lot of things have happened in a relatively short amount of time. but ya know what? i dont feel like telling y'all. and by y'all i mean no one in particular. seriously who reads this blog anymore anw?

but tmr is the start of the second movement. a significant thing in its own right. worth a mention anw. right, so buckle up.

current addiction

2010-03-31T19:25:00.005+08:00

Even Barney would say this is just awesome. DA:O FTW

an ode to a possible virus

2010-02-18T21:12:00.003+08:00

a rather weird thing happened today,
it was such a surprise that i was at a loss what to say,

a pretty girl wanted to add me on facebook,
so i went to her profile to have a see and a look,
because for the life of me i didnt know who she was,
i was wondering if she added me for a just cause,

weirdly enough we had eighteen friends,
though not much connection just some here and there,
without even trying she had me in suspense,
and MY did she have such silky black hair,

and so without much ado i clicked on the button,
and no you are wrong, it wasnt to confirm that i harkened,
but instead to ignore, that very cute little person,
for i do not know if her intentions could darken,

so pretty girls, about me you must know,
im not happy go lucky, i dont go with the flow,
be clear your intentions, let me know what you seek
for im not that good looking, so i dont think with my dick.

factor

2010-01-13T23:34:00.003+08:00

as i researched my way out of the predicament im in, ive come across many different views. from those living in a dream-like state to those who take the hardline. you see, the sad thing abt human nature is that we only truly learn from regret, and even then only as long as the memory lasts. it isnt in the storybooks where your one goal gives you the drive to push on and eventually miraculously, you achieve it. nah, its more of losing and fighting to get it back again.

and so ive come to this point: i cant progress with my A level results but neither can i stay this way. so its either a private degree or poly then a degree. one way is risky the other is long. but neither changes the fact that i screwed up big time. now ive read ppl saying that thers no good way anymore and offer no solutions and then there are those that say not to worry, somehow it can work out. all i know is that i have this memory of failure in me, all the could haves, if onlys, and what should have been. it truly is a heavy weight in my heart.

the hardliners say that if you dropout of the race, you're out for the count. but what happens to the many ppl that drop out? do they just disappear into this air, spontaneously combust? no they survive, just like everyone else. shit work, shit life. but a life nontheless. true, i no longer consider myself in the same league as those who succeded in gg to local u. im envious but not defeated. i know i will survive eventually, because life wont have it any other way. so the hard road it is. by any and all means necessary.

and after all this talk abt how the economy has to place for anything less than local U honours or uppers degree, that foreign competition has rendered certain fields obsolete to locals or that some fields wont give you enough money and shit hours. i realize they left out something in the equation. something i shouldnt leave out. God. the one constant in every part of life. the only being capable of turning the tide. and i draw strength from this, that if i do my part in this world, that God will give the best for me. and that even if i end up being a nobody, that the afterlife is a whole different ball game. which makes me wonder....why the hell am i not doing anything for the afterlife?

heap

2010-01-12T20:52:00.002+08:00

some time back, in a time not too long ago but hardly recently. i had a dream. i dreamt i was dying of an incurable disease so throughout the dream i was quite weak. just lying on my sofa, weirdly in a prev house of mine, and just dazing. what i remember clearly was that i wasnt afraid to die, instead i was looking forward to it. in fact if im not wrong, i was trying my best to die if you get what i mean. very weird stuff. and the icing on the cake: i was dying from osteoporosis.

and a couple of days after the said dream, i had another. but this time it was death and its process. a bit blurry in the beginning but it involved me getting my soul sucked out. it wasnt painful. like a weight being lifted out instead. but dreams never actually hurt i guess. after that i was floating ard, waiting to move on. i think i witnessed my own funeral, cant really say.

i dont know what brought on this death dreams so soon one after the other. but ill take it as a wake up call. now i just have to struggle against sleeping again. wake up calls are like that, you need it more than once.

Doa Akhir/Awal Tahun

2009-12-17T19:04:00.002+08:00

Doa Akhir Tahun - Erti
Selawat dan salam semoga tercurah kepada junjungan dan
penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad SAW beserta keluarga dan
para sahabatnya. Ya Allah, apa yang telah kulakukan
pada tahun ini terhadap hal-hal yang Kau larang aku
untuk melakukannya dan aku belum bertobat daripadanya;
sedangkan Engkau tidak rida dan tidak melupakannya;
dan aku telah melakukannya di dalam keadaan di mana
Engkau berupaya untuk menghukumku, tetapi Engkau
mengilhamiku dengan tobat atas kelalaianku melakukan
dosa-dosa itu semua; sesungguhnya aku memohon
ampunan-Mu, maka ampunilah aku. Dan tidaklah aku
melakukan yang demikian atas apa yang Engkau ridai dan
Kau janjikan aku dengan pahala atas yang demikian itu.
Maka aku memohon kepada-Mu. Ya Allah, Wahai yang
Maha Pemurah! Wahai Yang Maha Agung dan wahai Yang
Maha Mulia agar Engkau menerima tobat itu dariku dan
janganlah Engkau menghampakan harapanku kepada-Mu
Wahai Yang Maha Pemurah. Selawat dan salam semoga
tercurah kepada junjungan dan penghulu kami Nabi
Muhammad SAW beserta keluarga dan para sahabatnya.

Doa Awal Tahun - Erti
Selawat dan salam semoga tercurah kepada junjungan dan
penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad SAW beserta keluarga dan
para sahabatnya. Ya Allah, Engkaulah Dzat Yang Maha
Kekal, Yang Qadim dan Awal, atas anugerah-Mu dan
pemberian-Mu yang Agung yang sangat kami harapkan, dan
tahun baru ini sungguh telah datang, kami memohon
kepada Engkau ya Allah, penjagaan yang kuat atas diri
kami dari gangguan setan, para pengikutnya serta bala
tentaranya. Dan lindungi kami dari nafsu amarah yang
buruk ini, sibukkan kami dengan amalan agar kami
selalu mendekatkan diri kepada-Mu, wahai Dzat pemilik
keagungan dan kemuliaan, wahai Dzat yang Maha berbelas
kasihan. Dan selawat dan salam semoga tercurah pada
junjungan dan penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad SAW beserta
keluarga dan para sahabatnya. Amin

hope

2009-12-07T20:19:00.004+08:00

Hope is a comfort in danger,and though it may be harmful to those with many other advantages, it will not destroy them. But people who put everything they have at risk will learn what hope is when it fails them, for hope is prodigal by nature; and once they have learnt this,it is too late to take precautions for the future.

huh

2009-11-20T15:03:00.002+08:00

well, its been awhile. blogging has lost its point since the advent of facebook, hardly anyone blogs anymore. but it has its uses in times like this. there have been times when i felt that there was something worthwhile for me to share but alas i was malas. so now ill try to recall it and add a few more stuff.

i believe that i have begun to change recently. old truths that i held no longer apply, distorted beliefs have been laid bare. i remember a period where i would pray and pray for god to grant me the ability to see with eyes unclouded, if you get what i mean, and i think ive taken the first small step towards it. eyes of the heart they call it. its really amazing what you suddenly realize in a moment when all the time before that you have been thinking differently. but along with that i realize that my capacity to take bullshit has gone dangerously low, so forgive me if i seem malas to layan you sometimes. hm i think im also no longer so naive when it comes to determining peoples character, where once i used to believe that evryone was 'nice', now i can somewhat decipher the reasons behind their actions. but well that doesnt mean that im always right, no one can absolutely accurately read someone else. and thats that.

a lot has happened this past few weeks. from Fir's accident, to my ORD, to the Arrivals and a couple of other personal stuff. its also been busy for the uni ppl, tak habis habis with projects and reports and essays. damn tak cool ah. and since fir has become...immobile...there has been less lepak, so yeah it has been somewhat boring. but things are looking up, fir is recovering well, im gg to ORD again soon, more or less everyone has been introduced to the arrivals and fitrah is gg away for 6 months HAHA. well well ill leave that post for some other time.

and im going off for my last NS overseas deployment. to Bangkok for 4 days of R&R woooo. i must admit though, im kinda nervous. first time flying(the military plane doesnt count) first time outside of msia(batam doesnt count) so yeah. i have no familiarity with the place whatsoever, and then theres the language barrier. still im a man on a mission, to buy 2 years worth of stuff since i held back from b4 NS. i dont like shopping as you can plainly see. but im kinda excited to go try out all the stuff, bargaining even though i suck at that and taking in a whole different culture. itll be cool. wish me the best eh since i might be crazy enough to wear a red shirt n strut around town, ride in a motorbike taxi with a drugged up rider or many other semi-suicidal stuff you do there. cya back on the 24th.

attempt at poetry 2

2009-10-17T12:14:00.002+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, hoboes and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday, this is Good Friday,
There will be a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only;
Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Pull up a seat and sit on the floor.

We will discuss a story you’ve all heard before.

One bright morning, in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys, got up to fight,
They lived on the corner, in the middle of the block
On the second floor, of a vacant lot.

One had a fiddle, one had a drum,
And one had a pancake stuck to his bum,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each another,
One was blind and the other couldn’t see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”
A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A mute onlooker shrieked in fright
And a lame man danced at the ghastly sight
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,

One dead boy who had no feet
Began to run straight down the street.
The other dead boy who could not talk,
Said "Oh Policeman let me walk."

If you don’t believe this little lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

-author anonymous

memories of nobody

2009-08-24T16:37:00.001+08:00

as i began to clear out my room, i looked through all the jc notes and tutorials and had to smile. so much shit piled up from 2 years. but i was a little sad, watever effort i had put in during that time was a waste of time. everyone else was doing the same thing i did but they made it and i didnt. makes me wonder sometimes just wth happened.

i looked through the tutorials and believed that if i did it again, i would have more resolve to ace it. it all seemed interesting all over again. so i sat down n tried to decipher my past wrongs..... i recall saying to myself quite some time back, 'for what purpose would i need to know the colour of that ppt, will it like make me happy?' hell no. all the lessons and whatnot, it was dead boring man. sleep through lectures, stone through tutorials was the way to go. watever chance the knowledge had of becoming intereting, the teachers and the curriculum definitely murdered it.

nah, i understand why i lost interest then. though im still weighing if the price was right. a mere stepping stone, thats what jc is but i disdained it. well so here i am, potentially 30,000 in debt. potentially without a future.but then again, as i listen to all my friends complaining at how hectic/unfulfilling/etc their uni life is i begin to have doubts again. no doubt the local unis are the safest standard path, but maybe its not the best? its somewhat like an extension of jc, only worse.

i applied for sim,and if i get it ill be doing games development. i never even heard of the course, how good it is or whether there are job oppurtunities in the future. im simply doing it because its my interest. risky i know, it might backfire but im tired of walking the path set out before my. its about time to bash thru the jungle. it might be the one i was meant to take or it might just be wishful thinking. either way, i wont know until i walk it to the end. so be it. but till then, its time to burn em notes wooo

the darkest road

2009-08-10T12:25:00.002+08:00

i think a time will come, soon. and it will be far bigger than all of us. everything you will have worked for will be for naught, and your only thought will be for survival. i think it will be a very desperate and immensely difficult time to live through...if you live through it. and the saddest part is that we would have brought it upon ourselves, if not directly then by ignorance. i must admit that there is little that we can do by ourselves coz we're really quite powerless in this. if anything, we must ensure that we get through it and be there to ensure the change lasts.

its time i think, to move away from materialism. slowly but surely. i begin to appreciate now what they said about not being able to bring it with you to the other side. so i ask myself, is it really worth gg all the way with 'education'? what can i gain out of it in the end? more money, more stuff to buy? honestly i dont know. seems like just another path set out before me, before us all. but still, all knowledge is worth having. ill make my choices when i get to it.

but for now i believe dark times will come, though the future branches out indefinitely. just make sure you're prepared to walk the darkest road if it comes to that.

"When the wandering fire
Strikes the heart of stone
Will you follow?
Will you leave your home?
Will you leave your life?
Will you take
The Longest Road?"

tru dat

2009-07-13T21:17:00.001+08:00

attempt at poetry

2009-07-04T15:55:00.001+08:00

pretty girls are nice to look at

hot girls, even more so

thus it really is quite sad

when most of them end up dead

ashura senkuu

2009-06-25T15:03:00.008+08:00

i believe that ive finally come to the point where i no longer feel the need to share. once, i never did. but i changed, most of you readers did not get to know the old me and believe me, i was far far different from the me now. i realized what i missed out, but also appreciated what i gained, so i guess this blog was to make up for the lost part. if you know what i mean. but now, i feel like im on 'par' with the rest. that i no longer need to post my thoughts here so that others may get a glimpse of who i am or what i aspire to be.

but that doesnt mean ill let it die. a blog, for a variety of reasons, can be very useful. but i think ill post more on the light-hearted stuff. jokes, clips n pics. and maybe once in a while i will post my observation of certain things. people-watching is a bit of a subconscious habit. but no, ill not post my hopes and dreams here anymore. i never vented i think, so im not gna start now, a pointless expression of rage really. a light-hearted blog, with a touch of darkness. thesilentplace. i chose that name because this blog was supposed to reflect the silent place in my head where my deepest thoughts reside. perhaps i will change the url as well. but no matter for now.

haha and as fir pointed out, my blog is hardly silent what with the blog song, unless of course you mute your laptop heheh. just my touch of irony, if anyone of you actually realized that. think subtle people. and to all my friends/relatives who are going/gone overseas, the best of health to you. singapore might no longer be a 'safe haven' but its much better to be around family and friends anyhow. slamat.

a few choice favourites

2009-06-18T16:42:00.005+08:00

well. i must say. impressive.

untitled 5

2009-06-13T14:24:00.000+08:00

Yeah baby do that dance
It's the last dance you'll ever get the chance to do
Girl shake that ass
You ain't ever gonna break that glass, the windshield's too strong for you
I said yeah baby sing that song
It's the last song you'll ever get the chance to sing
You sexy little thing
Show me what you got, give it your all, look at you bawl, why you crying to me?
Same song and dance.

dont read anything into this

2009-06-04T22:32:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don't know,

feels like I been down this road before.

So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,

soon as I go home and close the door.

Kinda feels like Déjà Vu,

I wanna get away from this place I do,

but I can't and I wont say I tried but I know that's a lie

cuz I don't, and why I just don't know.....

pain is not pleasure

2009-05-31T21:51:00.004+08:00

adidas sundown marathon 2009

7hr 30mins

warning: vulgarities ahead

ahh, i never want to do that again....for now. i am now like a cripple, unable to walk properly and with a body that has gone haywire. its surprising how just running can affect you so much. i guess the human body wasnt built to withstand self-induced torture lol.

it started out well, my own slow n steady pace for 6km non-stop. i wasnt even thinking of competing, only of completing. then at the 10km mark, my right leg started protesting. hoping it would stay at only a dull throb, i pushed on. 2km later my left leg went the same way. i started alternating between walking and jogging to compensate for it. at the 15 km mark, i still remember, both legs started cramping big time. i mean its only 15KM DAMMIT, not even close to halfway through. i thought i was done for man, it was a shitty feeling. never before have i cramped up so badly, i usually suffered from exhaustion. this time i was perfectly fine, only my legs were letting me know they didnt appreciate the abuse. but there was no turning back, like hell id allow myself to.

on and on and on. the pain spread to the joints in my leg, everything that moved, hurt. my muscles were screaming for mercy. but no, i just crossed the 21km mark. i just have to everything i just did, one more time. aint that just spiffy? ahh the pain. by the 23 km, pain was all i knew. it defined me, gave me a reason to push on and yet it begged me to stop. on and on and on. then came bedok. fuck bedok.

the worst stretch of the race. a hilly terrain, sandy terrain. i couldnt run. walked. fast. i could hear the screaming of my body. ENOUGH it said. NOT FUCKING YET i raged back. not fucking yet. on and on, never ending. then came the chest pains. felt like i was having a heart attack everytime i ran more than 100m. i was more or less confined to brisk walking. but that wasnt good. you see, when i walked it wasnt painful, it was excruciatingly fucking painful. when i stretched, it did not help one bit. pain surrounded me. perhaps it was to punish me, how my body forced me to jog, even as it further worsened my condition. to do otherwise was to face unthinkable pain. but my body wasnt through with me, not by a long shot.

my legs became numb, the pain as if unable to face itself ran to my feet. the insoles started throbbing. i guess my shoes werent made for such long distance running. now my legs forced me to jog but when i did my feet forced me to stop. there was no way out. 12 km to go. i had a decision to make and i made it. sprint in short bursts, then walk quickly. i was aware that my face was carved in a rictus of pain, it could probably scare little children away. i looked around me and realized that many had stopped to rest their legs, to stretch or simple to wallow in despair. i wouldnt allow myself that mercy. there was none for one such as myself. my pace was gone to hell, my goal of 7hrs coldnt be met, i wanted that time so that i could see the sun rising.

endless walking in tampines along the expressway or something. meandering turns until finally i crossed to pasir ris. the final stretch. i picked up the pace, started overtaking. got overtaken. the sky got brighter. 9km to go. turned to changi. 5 km to go. the sky got brighter. time: 0640. faster and faster. never resting. never. never. the end was calling out to me. uphill, downhill it all didnt matter. onward. 3km to go. the sky was bright. time: 7am. just a little more. a friend caught up, spurred me on for the last click. ran like a dog, heart pain, ignored it. sprint sprint. goal. time: 730am.

after, i walked like a cripple. big lumbering footsteps. i ate to replenish what i lost. drank to replenish what i sweated out. no matter how much i took in, it was never enough. my body was confused. the senses were fried. went home. slept. pain. i wonder when it will end. ah, the pain. it will end.

so smile your secret smile

2009-05-25T21:06:00.003+08:00

There was once a boy, who set out once on a journey with many others. They started out well prepared, doing the things they knew they must along with most of the others and they managed to go quite far along the road, though not without difficulty. Throughout the journey he could always see a gigantic mountain looming in the distance. Logically, those around him started to make preparations to climb that mountain, pushing themselves to train and finding out more and more about how to scale it. But the boy did only what he thought was sufficient, preferring to sit back and enjoy his surroundings lest he regret not doing so in the future. And this carried on for many a year until they reached the foot of the gigantic mountain.

As they began their ascent, the boy was initially confident despite the advice of some that he should make more preparations before attempting it. Shaking them off he started his climb, even with the seed of doubt planted in him. Initially things were smooth sailing, with many handgrips that made it easy, giving him a false sense of confidence. But then came a portion, the final stretch, where the slope was almost vertical. The boy was stumped, he did not have the necessary knowledge of how to climb such a steep slope nor did he have the means to do it. Looking all around him he saw those far more well prepared were already climbing the seemingly impossibly steep slope. And so he said a couple of words of prayer and threw his only equipment, a rope and hook.

Oh his first try, the rope came crashing down on him nearly causing him to fall back down the mountain. But he learned from that, waited for better winds and angled his throw, and this time the hook caught onto something. Tugging the rope, it slid down a little but held fast. Even knowing it was useless, he began his climb. Without expectations, he realized he felt lighter than before but just when it seemed that he might make it to the top, the rope snapped. And he fell very far indeed.

Picking himself up, he looked up at the peak and saw those that had managed to scale it. He saw them looking down at the road that they all travelled to get here and so he too turned to look. He looked and really saw, for he could remember the times that he lay in the sun watching the world go by. He remembered and did not regret. Glancing up at those at the top, he smiled his secret smile, one that no one saw. Slowly but surely, he searched for another way to the top, for there was always another way even if it is one that is more costly and far more difficult.

Taking a final look around, he saw a few others around him doing the same, with a look of grim determination on their faces. Smiling once more, he started walking forward again, searching for the path least trodden but one that others before him had gone before.

dreba

2009-05-17T22:03:00.003+08:00

i am death in a maserati. i am the reason you will be in a hospital bed. i am the rose they place on your grave. i am the one that believes that blind spots should remain just that, blind. i am he-who-passed-with-18-points. i am that which happened, because it could not have happened in any other way. they call me:

DREBA

yessa. driving is fun. its been a good week man. mother's day, my bday and my mother's bday. thats 3 different cakes man. plus my surprise celebration by the lepaksemby gang, the 4th cake haha thx for that guys. my policeman's instinct failed me then, i wasnt expecting it at all. i mean i friggin didnt see u all until i entered the shop.

and ytd, i drove for real on the roads in my cousin's car, from amk to woodlands. goddamn the expressway is awesome especially for a MANUAL car, gear 5 FTW. now i have to know the roads better, when i drive i dont look at the signs man, which is not very handsome of me. all the expressway exits, have to learn by heart. yes wtf i know.

with so much happiness around, i was patiently waiting for the shit to hit the fan. which it did on sat night. probs at work again. kinda killed the mood but wth only a couple of months left. oh and i got the NTU rejection letter alr, so i guess my NTU homies wont be able to lepak with me wahaha. what a terrible loss for them man, but thats life eh ppl? so next is the NUS letter, then i can apply for SIM and freakin finally get on with my life.

yeap, thats more or less what i wanted to say. im trying to beat fir on restaurant city right now and for a lame game, its quite addictive. aight, back to action.

fail.com

2009-05-04T13:44:00.002+08:00

Ode to the Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dont know if any of you read this before. i must say, there is a line between being Nice and being Pathetic. grow a pair and a spine so you can say No once in a while man. but still, i know where you're coming from, so ill toast to you all the same. cheers.

young boy....

2009-04-30T16:48:00.005+08:00

the world of fiction has always affected me more than reality. being young as i am, i am already disillusioned about the workings of the world and the hearts of humanity. fictional books, more specifically, books of fantasy hold much more interest for me. dragons, kings, duels, magic all the fantasies of a guy haha. but there is one thing that exists in that world that is sorely missed in ours. Honour. honour then was like a currency, it could be counted upon like a contract and was worth much more. once tarnished, its like a depreciating currency, people find it hard to build it up and others stay away from it. that word really holds a lot of meaning and power but sadly it is long dead. only few in this world can be called Men or Women of Honour.

the stories that i truly enjoy are those that arent black and white. the ones where good has a seed of evil and evil that was borne out of good. it challenges the discriminations of our thinking, the ugly and unwanted beings are the ones that might have the rough honour lacking in the beautiful for we always perceive the character of a person by outward appearances. so my favourite kind of person is the anti-hero. not the privileged knight that fights valiantly for the 'love' of the princess but the castaway who saw the sneaking evil and struggles to defeat it. the best part of these characters are that their reasons are not what one might expect, its not the 'oh i must do it to save the world' its more likely to save his own skin or to get profits for himself. but at the same time these people are the ones that would defend those too weak to fight for themselves or fight for the causes that would bring no fame; for they are their own masters. haha its hard to express the complexity of these characters. they are far from perfect yet they are somehow the best in the worse of us.

i have always wanted to be the character in the sidelines, not the main character in the story. i think that not enough credit have been given to the supporting characters and the instrumental role they play. the main character is only one person afterall, it is those that follow the lead of the hero that actually makes the great sacrifices. the unknow soldiers that give up their life in service but credit goes only to the survivors. no, id rather be that dead soldier who played that pivotal role in a battle and yet it was seen by no one. the one that dies alone and lies in an unmarked grave, his deeds unknown but the repurcussions felt for generations to come. the true untold legends of the world.

and he said to me, "Young boy, become a legend"
"On my Honour," i replied

floating bridge

2009-04-24T12:02:00.007+08:00

well well well, ive been here before. many many times. end of the week for the world, start of work for me. now if you gave me an important or at least fulfilling job, id do it with a relish but if you gave me a totally insignificant job AND actually tell me its insignificant, id just do only what needs to be done. AND if you gave me a job to make sure others do their insignificant jobs, well that just takes the cake doesnt it? initially i thought the job was gna be easy, but only recently i was brutally(i exxagerate) brought to realize that this job does not depend on the amt of effort from me. my rise and fall is not determined by myself. my job was to ensure that all variables are constant, a logical fallacy or simply put: 1 = 0.

dealing with humans is interesting but risky, everyone does not have the same picture in mind. when not everyone works towards the same goal, cracks begin to appear in the armour and thats where all the pee begins to leak in(id use shit but shit doesnt actually er flow). its so damn easy to find fault with what im doing that i actually do it to myself on a regualr basis. sort of a pre-emptive measure or ANTI-FAIL system. i want to ORD fast, before i drown in pee. at least in sch, i can accept that watever i dont achieve is mostly my fault. 7 more months.

well that being said, the world can be a serious bitch in heat sometime. farid aka the Professor, juz passed his TP, baaaik ah farid. now the part about the bitch is that i started my driving first, spamming lessons like free. i even completed my lessons first. but farid got his TP first. world, give a brother a break wouldcha? alamak now pressure sak, its all down to me n mann. if i FAIL, ill be the last. gdammit.

gay but passable

old sun

2009-04-20T22:40:00.002+08:00

in case some of you dont know, i bought my ps3 bout 1 week ago. i remember wanting it since 2 years ago. all my prev consoles have been many many years out of date and at least this time i get it when its just out of its infancy, with some variety of games and a good price. i guess patience does reap benefits. i just completed one of the games i have(i only have 2, since they're so goddamned expensive) and i think its awesome. Metal Gear Solid 4 is a real test of skills, it goes against the very tenets of an action game: Dont Kill. give a guy a gun and expect him not to shoot? haha its actually way better then it sounds. the game is perhaps the main reason i got a PS3, they storyline is something to behold and the graphics of the game make it look like im playing a character in a movie.

in any case, tmr im woking again. work is beginning to be a chore. there sure are damn a lot of assholes out there in the world. well at least one asshole had his smart mouth backfire on him hahaha. and when push came to shove, you showed me how small your balls really are sheesh ive seen more spine in 11-year old kids. one thing ive decided is that im never going to go down the vicious cycle of covering ass and pushing blame. step up and face the damned music. but then again, it really is the dirty way of this world. when the shit hits the fan everyone is for themselves and friendships lay forgotten. loyalty is a word of the previous generation, one obsolete in this era. so next time you try to deflect blame, ask yourself gentlemen if you really have balls, lets see how large.

chop suey

2009-04-04T22:24:00.005+08:00

hm. how do i start? my life has no direction now. little or no ups and downs, just a long flatline. everything that could be done, has been done. and whatever thats left to be done, needs a lot of preparation beforehand like say fishing or road-trippin'. for those with school, its studies and breaks. those in NS is routine routine routine. those with holidays...well you can only lepak so much. i need to pick up a time-consuming activity like learning to cook simple dishes or picking up my guitar once again. life macam monochrome ah nowadays. need the technicolour. or technicolour II.

well it was good day for reflection. certain opinions were up for re-evaluation, assumptions were proven true or shot down and advice was freely given and taken. for one thing, i think ive become a bit arrogant in my thinking of myself. I always think that the burdens of those older than me have been dumped onto me. Something i would have done willingly now becomes grudgingly. Still i can never find out why they are unable to shoulder their responsibilities, and my observance might just be a tad too biased. So ill just plod on i guess. plod plod plod..

you know how ppl ask you if theres any one thing you want to have, what would it be? well i used to think to myself i want to be able to see with eyes unclouded. You know like how you can tell the true intentions of someone, if the person was lying or covering up. Imagine the uses man, you can tell when someone hates your guts, is in love with you, is about to kill you etc. But an episode of House made me reconsider, a person had a condition that made him blurt out everything that hes thinking. He more or less wrecked his marriage, alienated his daughter and pissed off any manner or people that might have cared for him. We need to lie and be need to be lied to in order to lead seemingly normal lives. Only one who does not have impure thoughts could always speak the truth.

the phenomena of teenage rebellion seems to have faded out i think. perhaps not but i dont see much of it nowadays. or perhaps its coz ive grown out of it. rebel rebel to what end? if it achieves a purpose then by all means, ok maybe not all, but if it achieves nothing then you'll just feel stupid in the end. your victory becomes worthless. so make sure your rebellion is worth fighting for.

in other news, ive been online way too much nowadays. from 9 am+ when i wake up to 2am+ because some people(you know who you are) just cant seem to get enough of me. yeaap, its tough being me. i make edison chen's life look like child's play. hey i wonder since i mentioned edison chen here will those ppl googling 'edison chen porn vids' get my blog instead? then they'll check thru all my prev posts to find the vids. hahaha you ppl FAIL it man. anyway, im gna cut down on the online thing. gna pick up cooking and my guitar again. so if you see me online, dont forget to get a piece of me yo.

how would you want to die? in your sleep? in a freak accident? or in a heroic moment? i always thought that if i go out, i want to go out in a chariot of fire. like gunz blazing, 1000:1 ratio in a war no hope confirm die case. yeah like spitting on fate. or like the independence day movie when the old dude flew his plane into the the alien giga laser weapon. seems like a nice way to die.

heartburn never felt this good

2009-03-27T19:22:00.005+08:00

Samsung 46" HDTV. can i get a HELL YEAH!

this is my sword, i call it the Forbidden. for reasons i will not reveal here

yeap, thats a WIN. n like i said syaza, ur bendy sword aint nothin compared to this baby

take a gd look homies. some of you might be here watchin it soon enough.

yeahh well worth the $1900, it really is a fkin gd deal man. only thing is, its lonely. n quite naked. no home theatre set to clothe it in. and no PS3 to be its partner. coz you know, a PS3 can jack in that baby. well, all in good time. when my TV arrived, got a lot of complications cause the in-laws were making a fuss, sheesh. but shes settled in just fine now. ah, i remember the first time i laid eyes on her, i almost jizzed in my pants. like these guys:

thx to a gd friend for the vid. the person chose not to be known due to the nature of the vid

need to want

2009-03-15T18:25:00.003+08:00

its the last day of the IT fair. i originally planned to get myself a HDTV and if possible, a PS3 but dammit everythings gone to hell. first thing, the crowds were hellish. you had to have been there to believe it, it was worse than SITEX or COMEX, so bad they had to block the escalators to allow the crowds to thin before letting others go in. can you imagine how bad it was when you have to regualte crowds in a shopping centre? think about it. though sometimes getting squashed up against 'certain' people can be quite pleasant if ya know what i mean.

then the one i was aiming for, a 40" Samsung Series 7 cost 2.4k. not a bad deal considering it came with a good home theatre set. but seeing as only me and my sis was sharing, 1.2k was too pain for me to bear. frickin 1mths pay knn. then the ps3 was no better, trying to rip-off and FAIL-ing at it. meh, not worth mentioning man. so i left there empty handed. perhaps june's COMEX will be better. hah the damn ps3 is so near yet so far....all coz of a damn tv. i aint gna spend 600 ketul to use on a CRT tv dammit. gahhh

and ladies and gentlemen, if you have a young child(or nephew), please do not be a dumbass and bring them to the IT fair. you know and i know the crowds are just that: CROWDS/ u and ur prams are blocking the way. we cant push and slam our way thru prams liek we can people, its unethical. and wtf would you do if someone trips and falls on the pram? grow a brain people. ur childs safety more important than a 50" ultra high definition, 2000000: 1 dynamic contrast with 1080p graphic interlace sweet sweet baby. yeah more important than even that. so either leave ur child with my friend fitrah, who's a part-time babysitter, or dont come. simple as that. (fitrah charges $25/hr. all deals go thru me)

who do i bother?

2009-03-08T22:33:00.003+08:00

its that time of the year again, i have to re-apply for uni hahaha. i remember my application last year, always with the shadow of hope that i might scrape through like i did in JC. frankly, if i were the university i wouldnt look twice at someone with my grades man. its seriously bad shit. hmm, the bitterness and self-pity is gone though. ive already learnt to accept what i cannot change. and of course theres the realization that theres far worse fates then mine.

yeap, never make the mistake of arrogantly thinking you were dealt the worse hand in life. the saying 'no matter how good you are, theres always someone better' is inversely true as well. if you can complain about something then look at it this way, at least you have something to complain about. i choose not to be bogged down by the failures in my life for there are far too many, but neither am i swayed by the act of positive thinking. they are two sides of the same coin. i am a realist.

but i will do this. i will throw the dice once more because the hope wont die. realistically speaking, i wont get anything. the only way is if i get help from the almighty, 'divine intervention' so to speak. so pray for me? to be fair, in the end i only got what i deserved. no better, but perhaps a little worse.

if i could be like that,

i would give anything,

just to live one day,

in those shoes

if i could be like that,

what would i do lord,

what would i do?

the great decay

2009-03-02T18:51:00.007+08:00

it has been a time for thoughts, this past few days.

my name is Muhammad Hatib son of Abdul Aziz. i am an Indian and yet i speak malay. and i'm really quite dark skinned. why am i dark skinned, or as the masses simply put it, black? i was asked that once in pri sch and it was like a dam burst. i grew up being indifferent to race, because the only time you realize your skin colour is when you look in the mirror. but that question really opened my eyes to the realities of this world. i remember smiling and shrugging, because really what was a 7 year old boy to say? and since then, all my life ive been plaqued by the repurcussions of that question. from indian jokes about the blackness of our skin, to our smell and our looks. to the looks of disgust in the eyes of those forced to close proximity to me, such as during orientation dances. to the words that people say when they think i cant hear or i dont understand. and the unthinking comments of certain friends.
so really, do you expect me to come out of all that unscarred? this wasnt something i deserved, it was something i am born into. is it really any wonder that im always smiling, having developed it as a self-defence mechanism, that i shrug off certain things and jokes about my race because the alternative would be to have few friends, that i very rarely get angry because patience is a survival attribute to me? Nabi Muhammad S.A.W said: "No Arab has any superiority over a non-Arab, nor does a non-Arab have any superiority over a black man, or the black man any superiority over the white man. You are all the children of Adam, and Adam was created from clay."
My name is Muhammad Hatib son of Abdul Aziz. i am an Indian in name only. i am Malay by association. i am chinese because i can speak a little of the language. i am of all and yet i am held down by none. I am a muslim and by God, that is the only label i need.

judgement. seems like everyone worries about judgement nowadays. from small scale things like multiple piercings and highlighting hair, to medium scale things minah tudungs with pakaian ketight and finally the biggest things like clubbing/drinking. the question i always want to ask them is, if you're so angry bout being judged why'd you go and do it in the first place? coz you think its no big matter? then boy/girl: Deal With It. everything has its consequences, a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a Tornado in Texas, so do what you want and pay for it. judging strangers is way easier than judging friends, especially for me. once i know your personality, your true self so to speak, and find it acceptable, its very difficult for me to find fault with you. lol?
so unless you ask me to be brutally honest with you, ill keep beating around the bushes to avoid the question. but that doesnt change the fact that it happened. ladies and gentlemen, you did what you did for reasons i dont know and hope that you can justify it to yourself. certain things we do not out of any logical reason or necessity, but out of rebelliousness or vanity. and i think thats stupid because in the end, few really care. a couple of years down the road when you've matured, you'll look back and if its a good day, laugh at what you did before. remember though that you cant take back what you did before and this world has infinite time for regrets. the rules of this life are known to all of us, some bitter to swallow, but our protests are really quite insignificant if you get my meaning. understanding and accepting those rules are 2 different things, never make the mistake of thinking that shit isnt going to happen. because when it does you will cry mother cry father, trust me on that.

which brings us to the next thing, religion. let me say it out right now, it is troublesome. the many restrictions. the day has to planned with breaks in between for solat, many eateries arent halal so we're missing out and of course 'interactions' are limited. i look at the world out there, without all these holding them back. i see everyone carefree and enjoying every moment, consuming alcohol and intermingling with the ladies, wearing the damn baaaik skimpy clothings and mixing with everyone and anyone. i look at them and realize, wtf? i dont want to be like them. burn away bout 40 years of my life enjoying then rot in the ground for the rest of eternity? shiiit no, must have more to life than that. humanity i think, is given intelligence so that we can ralize one thing: we are going to die. its quite surprising that we dont break down and go mad knowing we're living just to die. but since we dont, at least make use of this short life ah. 'jalan yang lurus' thats what my dad used to teach me to doa when i was young. the straight path is the most difficult, everything else is trying to pull us left and right. well you decide people, you know right from wrong and everything in between. if you judge it to be worthwhile then fight the good fight. or give in. its your life. its your funeral

more or less everything said here is not targeted at anyone, only incidents that i heard, so if you terase then tu ko nye pasal ah. if it made you stop and think for even a couple of seconds, then ive succeded in my objectives.

i know its gotta bleed sometime

2009-02-21T01:46:00.002+08:00

And it's quiet now
The universe is standing still

There's nothing I can say
There's nothing we can do now

And all that stands between the soul's release
This temporary flesh and bone
And know that it's over now
I feel my fading mind begin to roam

Every time you fall, and every time you try
Every foolish dream, and every compromise
Every word you spoke, and everything you said
Everything you left me, rambles in my head

Up above the world, so high
Everything you loved, and every time you try
Everybody's boxed in, and everybody cry
Stay, don't leave me, the stars can wait for your sign, don't signal now

And there's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can do now

Goodnight, travel well

left for dead

2009-02-11T20:06:00.009+08:00

ive been killing zombies to keep the world safe. thats me on the truck right there

don't believe me? take a look at a close up. yeah im lookin good

and this is what i have to face everyday. NS is tough shit yo

Well, that's a better plan than mine
What was yours?
I didn't have one

and after a hard days work of kiling, its nice to sit back and look at girls dancing. baaaek.

or if you prefer guys......

because i WIN at FAIL

2009-02-07T19:46:00.005+08:00

well its been a long time since i did this. way too much words man, pictures are more WIN.

awd

as you can see, theres way more FAIL than WIN in life. i hereby declare life an EPIC FAIL.

sayang sayang

2009-02-02T21:33:00.006+08:00

i had a dream some time ago and in it i did something quite, well...ungentlemanly. it was also somewhat dishonourable i guess. in reality i would never have had the guts to do it since so much could go wrong. it was only a small act and yet wat it evoked has caused me such confusion.

the situation that led up to it is quite important, though the memory fades from me even now. its all quite blurred really and i must admit, i am quite curious. was there something then that spurred me to do what i did? but i feel that what i did, i did it because it was what i wanted to do.

i think in dreams we have suppressed human emotions, it is only when we wake up that everything comes rushing back. like how we bravely fight back the horrors in dreams but wake up in a state of fear and panic. in this case however, in that one moment, i felt something so strongly that i actually remembered this dream, which is quite rare for me. and it was something about which i was skeptical of at best. i did not think it was possible for people like us to experience it on that level. its kinda addictive, i want to feel it again. perhaps its time to take that first step. perhaps.

like the ones in which i woke up crying from when i was young, this dream will stay with me for a long time to come. perhaps i am putting too much store by dreams, they say it is actually the random firing of neurons in the brain. or that the soul exits the body to go wandering about the spiritual plane. but even so, in that one dream i felt something i had thought lost.

and i found that it was beautiful.

the land of mas and mbak, bu and pak

2009-01-26T19:29:00.012+08:00

bapak sudah balik. apa khabar bu dan pak semua? tidak lupa mbak pon. apa khabar ya? saya mau blog skarang.

yoyo felt like a long time since i was back here. in case you dont know what i just said above, guess what.......im not gna tell.

it was a good trip man, i had my reservations in the beginning but man was it fun. i did 2 things i havent done in a long time and 1 thing which i usually dont get the chance to do. nice.

where else can you find a sign like that?

orite. batam is a unique place. for one thing, it looked like tekong after a bombing run. or like bugis as they were building it when the contractor ran out of money halfway. it has a lot of potential, all wasted. you can see the steel skeletons of buidings and tentages, lying around everywhere, forgotten. about the only well built buildings there were the hotels.

but surprisingly, whatever human presence there can be felt. a kedai makan that looks like anything but, actually served damn good food. since the hotel food was fkin expensive(~S$40 a meal) we went to the gerai for all the meals. after you figure out how it works, its really quite interesting. every dish there is for one person so lets say i order ayam penyek, bakso and udang goreng tepong, effectively i get a plate of rice and all 3 separate dishes. its like nasi padang only they dont put small portions of it on the same plate like we do here.

bakso means meatballs, not mee bakso. and if you make the mistake of ordering teh there, you get a bottle of chilled tehbotol which actually tastes like green tea and as the n ame implies, comes in a bottle. out teh is their teh susu, which is white in colour coz i think they really use fresh milk(lol @ that). panas is hangat, so must say teh susu hangat. cool no?i think me and my extended family really wiped out their store of food there. evry meal we spent 170,000 bucks. beat that.

other than that, we went swimming, played water polo n go-karting. it was perhaps the best unplanned hols for me. no shopping whatsoever hehe. it was a good break n a leave well used. taking a break is good so u dont lose urself in life. daymn, now got shitload a lot of stuff to plan for...again. see u all soon.

why am i always the one planning stuff man? a sec-gen's work is never done

like a blade

2009-01-23T22:47:00.004+08:00

this blood on my hands is something i cannot forget

those of us who have been given a measure of power,
must be willing to bear the burden of its responsibility,
and should the situation call for it,
be able to pay its terrible price.
lest we forget.

im gg off from tmr till mon

the 100th/ tribute cont

2009-01-17T18:26:00.007+08:00

yeap, my first hurdle crossed. the 100th post. never thought id get this far, never thought id blog at all initially. well well. im quite satisfied with my blog and the direction i took it in. talkin bout stuff thats uncommon, not listing out every single detail bout my life. yeah that doesnt work for me but hey to each their own. aite back on track.

Semby. Semby was also formed somewhere in the year 2007, most likely before the formation of LepakSG. Consisting of 5 members namely Fitrah, Farah, Ashikin, Hida and Nashita. Unlike the GSL of LepakSG, Semby seems to prefer a NLS (No Leadership Style). Even so, the member named Fitrah seems to be the unofficial leader of the pack, she organises and liases with the Sec-Gen of LepakSG for outings. In fact, much about this group is unofficial, for example the name Semby itself was actually unconfirmed but it stuck due to the constant use by members of LepakSG.

Semby and LepakSG started out as friendly rivals, due to the entire opposite gender groups and the claiming of territory. Since both groups only met each other in 2007, id like to think we were actually testing the waters and getting to know each other. LepakSG eventually invaded Semby territory one fine day and found to our horror the decrepit places such as Sun Plaza. Even so, we swallowed our disgust and set about staking our claim there, since like it or not Semby territoty was still in Singapore.

Relationships turned more cordial nearer to the A levels due to our close proximity with each other in many activities held in AJ MLDDS. From Darmawisata to Open house and Kompang, friendships were forged. Outings together were planned and understanding grew. Recently, the term LepakSemby was coined to announce our alliance with each other. Though members now live in different worlds, the guys in NS & Poly & the ladies in University, we have had 3 official outings so far. And as you will see, many more to come. So heres to good cheer. Make it happen, dont wait for it to come.

* * * *

LepakSemby Outings v1
pls download and give comments. if you dont, nothing will change. baaaik.

smile like you mean it

2009-01-14T20:44:00.003+08:00

i notice 2 songs that have different undertones. mcm some hidden message hidden in plain sight.

Flobots - Handlebars

My reach is global, My tower secure
My cause is noble, My power is pure

I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let 'em all die in exasperation
Have 'em all healed of their lacerations
Have 'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like 'em.
And I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command

Because I can guide a missile by satellite
And I can hit a target through a telescope
And I can end the planet in a holocaust

hes talking about someone, still alive at the moment. can guess who? the song isnt only about nonsense

The Script - The Man Who Cant Be Moved

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

this isnt some declaration of love, its the words of a pathetic man who refuses to face reality and let go. he more or less admitted it when he said 'I'm just a broken hearted man'.
'coz IF'
'and MAYBE'
all that based on the small hope that something might possibly happen. delusional? or romantic? u decide

a tribute to friends

2009-01-12T15:47:00.004+08:00

Introducing LepakSingapore(LepakSG)

LepakSG was officially established sometime in 2007 during the JC days. There are 5 members each with their own Area of Responsibility(AoR). LepakSG initially started out unofficially during the JSJ or Jalan Solat Jumaat where the 4 male Security Council members met and walked the 3km distance from AJ to Masjid Al-Muttaqin. Unofficial lepak session then commenced that allowed the Big Four to get to know one another and discover their love for Doing Absolutely Nothing aka Lepaking.

President: Hudzaifah Juwanda
Secretary-General: Muhammad Hatib
Academician: Muhammad Farid
Transporter: Muhammad Firdaus
Mann: Nadhirah Hamzah

The acquisition of our 5th member, Nadhirah Hamzah, was due to her seeking the help of the Academician Farid under the supervision of the Sec-Gen. The Sec-Gen saw her potential as a fellow lepaker and thus invited her on certain outings(as honourary member) to test the waters. Nadh earned her title as Mann when she revealed her fiery temper and impatience for bad service at Al-Ameen woodlands, where she also took charge and effeciently ordered all our food for us. One wonders whether if she had a tablecloth with her, would she have subconsciously started wiping tables? Hmm no matter, we found our Mann, the 5th Core Member of LepakSG.

LepakSG has come far with its Guerilla Style Leadership(GSL), which means that though there is a president and a sec-gen, the group is capable of functioning without them. The sec-gen has risen to such a high lepaking level that he has been known to watch movies sorang from time to time. Members usually plan to meet by initiating a SMS question typically styled 'Amcm, nak jumpe?' with the answer 'Orite, kol brape, mane?' Last minute plans are our forte. All LepakSG members except for the President are currently in the process of obtaining a Class 3 license with one already possessing a Class 2 license, namely the Transporter.

LepakSG also has many links to others groups with chosen ambassadors to each one. The President is the Ambassador to TL, the Transporter was the ex-President of SU, the Mann is a member of the now defunct Butterfly Club while the Secretary-General is the liaison with Semby. The group Semby has extensive links to LepakSG and a rich history, from war to the eventual alliance, forming the group now known as LepakSemby due to the cunning and political-savviness of the Secretary-General.

More on the history of LepakSG and the future of LepakSemby coming soon. 2009.

not static

2009-01-06T19:07:00.002+08:00

well. i most of all can appreciate the fact that new year's day is no different from any other day; only that we attach some form of significance to it. but since we attribute the new year to change such as new years resolutions, which to me makes very little sense, im thinking more along the lines of shedding. like a snake that emerges brand new from its old skin or some sheep that sheds to get a shiny new coat.

i dont know how many of you can interpret that video but for those that do i hope you can appreciate the awesome deep meaning hidden in that last scene. i believe its time i shed away my past that has always been dragging me down. the failures, the insecurities, the seconds thoughts. no more. i will not allow it to define me anymore. time is not a calm flowing stream, it a a raging sea in a storm and we are cast adrift in it.

those who choose to remain as they are will be like rabbits in the headlights. all you can do is stare and wonder why as life crashes through you and you meet your end. change is the key. you define your own reality.

this is my own take of the vid:
"while you still carry the weight of your negativity with you, the world will crash through you regardless. you will be insignificant. only when you finally cast away all doubts can you find strength within yourself to shake the foundations of the world. and man will the world sit up and notice you"

* * * * * * * * * * *

the first step ive done is the overcoming of fear. as u all know i have night shifts, basically from 8pm to 8am. so my duties include making my rounds around the camp to check the many 'buku sign' to make sure my guys have been doing their duties. lately ive consciously/subconsciously making the decision to do it in the dead of night, ard 2-3am, and best of all, alone. my camp is a 73 year old ex-military police camp and ex-K9 camp. so apart from rotting ground floor sheds theres a lot of empty cages around. the state of my camp can only be described as like fuck. i guess many people and dogs died there.

theres barely any light around n is more or less pitch black in certain areas. did i mention we are a pseudo-jungle camp? yeah hell lot of trees around. so when i do my rounds i can barely see anything n the silence is deafening. i had to literally force myself to casually walk no matter the sudden sound of footsteps behind me or when a lamppost suddenly goes out the moment i walk under it. twice. i found that the more times i do this, the less afraid i became. because wats there to fear when theres nothing to be afraid of? i think facing things head on does me good

well thats one down in my book n a shitload more to go.

08/09

2008-12-31T23:59:00.002+08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

so this is wat u girls have been doing eh. tsk tsk tsk. what a weird hobby man dressing up as elves and dancing sume, some kind of fetish?!? when i came across this vid, i was at a loss for words. i hope u girls will take this coming new year as a time to change weird habits n fetishes. insha'allah.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

so i got the boys together. me on an off day, dan coz hes always ready for a party n fir, who well, has no life right now. oh yeah we sure showed you huh ladies. this is how u dance baybeh, take it to da floor.

so 2008 has been many things to many people. to me it was a year of NS. n you know wat? i aint complainin. NS has done me good. 2009 will start with trials n tribulations that i know for sure. but i think i can count on you guys n ladies to keep life happening right? so heres to many more wacky moments ahead. may i nvr stop saying baaaik.

INFJ™. Sec-Gen. Al-Khatib. Ninja. Hatib.
2009 00:00

ps. if this was a competition Fit, my 2008 ending post totally PWNS urs. n in 2009 ill make sure to buy a Honda Fit, so i really will pwn you. guahahaha. 488 posts or not.

of reality and fantasy

2008-12-25T21:48:00.002+08:00

i remember back in sec 4, for my oral exam(lol) i was asked what my hobby was. i said 'reading' and felt that was that. but my teach had the audacity to ask me 'why?' aw cmon, when you enjoy doing something you dont have to justify why right? of course since i wanted good grades, i couldnt tell my teach to go get stuffed, could i? so my brain went into overdrive to find a reason. and i said this: 'reading brings me into another world, far from this one where where one can achieve impossible things. for that few moments, you forget about reality and its problems. for awhile, you can live your fantasies' oh yeah, i was that good.

now, ive progressed into watching anime where one man can transform into a monkey and destroy planets with a laser from his mouth and the women have Z cup boobies. nice. i read manga where one boy through hardwork always seems to defeat his enemies at the last minute due to the powers of 'friendship' and the girls have perfect features and double Z cup boobies. double nice. at some point, i always come to the same realization. reality's a pain in the ass. i think i have a hyperactive imagination, always visualizing whatever i see or read in my mind and taking it further. a simple phrase here or the resolve of a character there, can make me totally naik semangat in an instant. haha i think its wat u call fantasizing. wouldnt it be great to live in the world of your fantasies?

take a look at the shit world of reality around you. the media does not report wars, it reports hate n fear. the world is a slave for tragedy. the seek it and are transfixed by it. 'tragedy sells' 'sex sells' and it'll only get worse. there are no longer champions of humanity. its no wonder fantasies are an escape for most people.

but. as i get older, i found something more precious than my fantasies. it is a simple thing that we all have. the 'bonds' that we have with each other, with family and friends. with our rivals and enemies. it is like a hard rock in a stormy ocean, something we cling to lest we get swept away. ironically, it was an anime that thought me this, or at least opened my eyes to this. after watching so many heroes, and hearing their reasons for fighting, i realize that they all have one things in common. all of them seek to protect something precious. whether its someone close to their hearts, the dreams or the will of others. mine? its the bonds we have with each other.

every man is an island, but from the very beginning there have been paths that connects one island to another. eventually the paths will interconnect and from a web that fills up the deep oceans between us. only then can we achieve 'understanding'. perhaps then we can right this wrong world. i once wrote that in a GP essay and got an F. still, id stand by those words.

fantasies might represent what we desire most in this life and we can get lost in it. but reality? reality gives us the chance to make our fantasies come true. Some men see things as they are and ask why - others see things that never were and ask why not? and hey, we can dream right?

2nd tour

2008-12-22T22:21:00.006+08:00

and they thought we had it bad?

* * *

said also dont listen
listen also dont understand
not understand also dont ask
ask also dont do
do also so wrong
wrong also dont admit
admit also dont correct
correct also not happy
not happy also dont say

be happy you are not in my position dealing with those ppl

the end is the beginning is the end

2008-12-17T19:53:00.006+08:00

i had sudden inspiration to post due to the fact that tonight is my last night as a normal person.

from tmr onwards my days and nights, weekdays and weekends no longer exist, only duty and off days. where once i challenged the likes of the OwlZ, heyofit and Hida (the bttt) to see who could out-not-sleep the other, now i no longer have to since im not allowed to sleep at all. thus im going to post about my life as a normal human being so far, from the point of view of a camera phone....ok too many pics, have to do the oh-so-gay collage thing

oh wait, theres more

cya

quoteworthy

2008-12-14T00:11:00.004+08:00

Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask is an idea, Mr. Creedy. And ideas are bulletproof

Eve: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following what… and what I am is a man in a mask.
Eve: I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I’m not questioning your powers of observation, I’m merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.

Creedy: You’ve got nothing. Nothing but your bloody knives and your fancy karate gimmicks.We have guns.
V: No, what you have are bullets and the hope that when your guns are empty I am no longer standing, because if I am you’ll all be dead before you’ve reloaded.

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me:

You wear your mask too long, you forget who you are beneath it

untitled4

2008-12-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

I had the blues
because I had no shoes
until upon the street,
I met a man who had no feet.

street fighter

2008-12-07T16:00:00.000+08:00

chun li is baaik

so yesterday went like this...

2008-12-03T20:13:00.002+08:00

Tango-1: Men, listen up. We're going to storm the front. You know the drill.
Men looks blankly back
Tango-1: Ah, f***

Tango-1: Tango-1 to Eagle we have arrived at FUP
Eagle: Eagle to all stations, i have control. Standby, standby...GO GO GO!

Tango-1: Pointsman, u take that point. and you, go cover him (looks back)
KNN. Oi rear guard, aim at the f***ing door, not me. KNN

Pointsman: CONTACT FRONT! (BANG BANG POW PING PEWW)
Tango-1: STACK UP! (fumbles for radio) TANGO-1 to TANGO-2 whats ur status?
Tango-2: static static
Tango-1: CB. Men, we're moving in. (looks back) OI REAR GUARD, THE WALL SO DANGEROUS IS IT? Dont be a CB, aim at the f***ing door lah F***
Tango-1: Tango-1 to all stations, we're moving in

Pointsman: Room 1 CLEAR!
Tango-1: Link up with Tango-2. REGROUP.
Tango-2: Finally, why so long. I lost 2 men, we're taking heavy fire.
Tango-1: Enemy number?
Tango-2: 1
Tango-1: WTF?

Tango-2: Tango-2 to Tango 3 & 4. Building is clear, proceeding to your position. Whats your status?
Tango-3: We're good to go.
Tango-1: STORM THE FRONT!
Tango-2: Eh NB. Wait lah, my men not ready.
Tango-1: Eh sry, my bad my bad.

Tango-3: Encountering heavy enemy fire. Like a f***ing machine gun.
Tango-1: Let me try. (BANG POW POW DADADADADADA)
Tango-1: Wah F***. IA IA
Tango-4: COVERING (BANG DADADADADA)

Tango-2: GO GO GO

Tango-1: You, who the hell are you? Nevermind, just provide suppression fire ok?. Pointsman, on my count, we enter and clear. Got it?
Pointsman: Ah?
Tango-1: zzz (DADADA)
Tango-1: Shit, im hit. the f***er got my knuckles.
Tango-2: I cant see shit.
Tango-3: They're reloading

Tango 1,2,3 & 4: GO GO GO
(POLICE FREEZE, GET DOWN, HANDS UP, YOU FEELING LUCKY PUNK?)

Tango-1: Well done team, i dunno wth happened in there but apparently the good guys won. So good job. Tango-1 out.

***

This scenario has been typed out based on at best 20% accuracy, vulgarities and various insults have been added to create the atmosphere we experienced there. Thank you for reading.

why dont you play the game?

2008-11-29T23:29:00.005+08:00

Last night I had a dream about you

In this dream I'm dancing right beside you

And it looked like everyone was having fun,

the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop, come a little closer

As we jam the rythm gets stronger

There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun

We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you

You're feeling right

You wrap your arms around too

But suddenly I feel the shining sun

Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do

About this dream and you

I wish this dream comes true

i think the greatest dreams, shld remain that. just dreams. so we can continually chase it, yet have it just out of reach. your pursuit of it will make u contented. and achieving it will leave you aimless.

yeap. i wouldnt mind waking up to bright sunshine. its all about livin your life. dreams can be beautiful, but it still is a pale comparison to reality

for your viewing pleasure

2008-11-22T16:13:00.004+08:00

image vader gone rabak. where to show his face...oh wait he nvr shows his face anyway

hahaha, not for the virtuos. got curses n innuendos. you know who you are, so dont click

it really works, can waste a couple min of ur life n feel satisfied

leap of faith

2008-11-17T20:25:00.002+08:00

"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."

Many a times, we do not believe in ourselves, in those around us and even in God's grace. Many a times, we crumble when faced with the hardships of our life. How easily are we broken, when those who have gone before have endured through so much more. Many a times, we simply lose faith in all that is.

And yet, it is a beautiful place, that precipice of defeat. As you hear the powerful beat of the thumping of your heart, crying out in its anguish. And you are faced with two choices that will determine the pursuit of your life. Will you let your head fall in undignified defeat or will you walk the path least trodden, with the faith that perhaps it will make all the difference?

Only when you finally begin to understand that this seemingly impassable mountain is but a hill in the upa and downs of your life, will you find renewed vigour to fight your way up. Only then will all the facades be revealed to you and you will see with eyes unclouded. Things are never as bad as we fear they are, the hidden blessings are the ones that are most easily missed.

We are never alone in this world, only alone as we choose to be. Every trial and tribulation that we overcome is a testament to our strength and raw grit, to the friendships and fellowships that have pulled and strained and therien, shaped us, to what we are today. And most of all, to the grace of God, who has bestowed upon us so many oppurtunities though we are blind to it. I believe its time we renewed our faith once again, to believe that the path we walk on was the one that was meant to be. We've come this far, haven't we?

So have a little faith my friends, in all there is.

life's like that

2008-11-14T23:41:00.001+08:00

Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course,please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
( B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS: Now give this LEVEL INTENSITY NUETRAL KINSHIP (L.I.N.K.) to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who gave you this S.H.I.T., they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Minnesota Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching.
(The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)
© Copyright 2000 Paul Yoon inc.

baaaik

2008-11-08T23:24:00.003+08:00

whoa, i think im finally figuring out how to use xml. lucky i like this stuff. after bout an hr of tryin out, managed to get the tagboard up. thats all ill do tdy man, tmr might modify some stuff again.

. . .

ive decided that its time for change. high time the mask came off. i have lost myself, forgotten what it was like to be me. so i will take this time to search my soul for myself once again. ever the journey.

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
-Anon, Two Dead Boys

i will bow out quietly.

what the eyes see

2008-11-05T23:14:00.008+08:00

Can you see what i see?

Something is very very wrong here...

If you're seeing double, then u need more slp. ah stay up late summore

How many shades of grey are there in both pictures?

gerek dokk

2008-11-02T23:15:00.003+08:00

ya noe, life really is goood nowadays. ive nvr felt bored throughout my leave so far, which is saying something. it started out well, with my POP of course. then the lepaksemby outing. no, gua tak semangat HSM no matter what u ppl say. my days are filled with 10hr on com, playing games n chatting. blogging n a bit of fb. imeem. the works. hahaha its damn fun to kacau ppl. anyone but fitrah. that girl is impossible man.

but. and theres always a but. reality is like shadows in ur peripheral vision. always there, no matter where u look. 8 mths ago, i said my future was in limbo. as of now, nothings changed.

having fun, it blocks out the sad part of my life for a moment. i forget. but all too soon, it crashes down on me again. n i cant allow myself more even a moment's worth of self-pity, or ill nvr get up again. n yet, the reasons by which i justified my 'slackness' still stands. uni is a means to an end for me. jc made no sense. vectors, precipitate? cmon, get real.

only now, after, do i realize that 'means' is crucial for me to even have an end. so the way i see it i only have one more shot at this, if i dont make it, then theres nothing to it but to enjoy the fall. and make my own trail from there. wherever it leads.

i am, so they tell me, the master of my fate

2008-10-27T23:03:00.002+08:00

ok before you find my body parts in the kallang river. i better clarify.

The Guru thing was unrelated to the POP. i got it the night before due to other reasons.

and the POP thing, well coz there were 3 of u, it kinda stood out no? he meant it as a joke, no offence meant. sides, arent u all honoured that he thinks u 3 were cute? heh

i invited you all because i wanted u all to be there. no other reason than that, gua sumpah.

if i die, hida did it. and it was damn painful, before she finally killed me

INSP

2008-10-25T23:45:00.005+08:00

Inspector of Police. sounds good beb, damn good. 10 mths into my NS life. 7 mths spent working towards this very event. like evrything, there are many many moments that i will treasure and many others that i would as soon forget. but im glad ive done it all, so that i never have to do it again. so here's a tribute to the bros i made. those who went through shit with me in the army, and those who endured with me through this OCC. boys, the shit is just abt to hit the fan. life's a bitch and the world's a whore. nice.

ill miss the life spent in my bunk, where i slept when i wasnt supposed to for 7 mths. where i didnt change the bedsheets after 3 weeks coz it was too troublesome. where i sneaked out after lights out to get hot water for my maggi. where i didnt miss home coz we were all like family.

id like to thank my buddy for being the horny dedntist that he is, for introducing me to the game and having late-night discussions about ladies hehe. and for giving me the title of The Guru of Kamasutra. oh yeah.

we went through a lot didnt we...all the exams n 'studying' in the LTs. all the PTs and drills. all the 'to the left on your palms down', possibly the most polite way to tell someone to knock it down, and of course all the ' move back sirs' in our life. eventually it will all fade, but for now let us appreciate what we have been through. and decide for ourselves if it will be our rise or our fall.

and lastly, thx to the 3 that came to my parade, it was further proof that i was The Guru hehehe. as one guy pointed, 'kau macam sial ah hatib, bawak sampai 3 pompuan, share ah lain kali'. dont worry i didnt invite you all juz for that hohoho. and sorry to those i din invite, coz ade limited space ah.

one of the few times i actually smile with teeth

it didnt rain on my parade 8)

holy shit

2008-10-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

i wanted to say this last sun, but for reasons that are soon to be obvious, i couldnt.

WTH HAPPENED TO MY WEEKEND?

lepak4life

2008-10-05T16:40:00.003+08:00

wah feel damn sian now that i have to book in in a couple of hrs time. rayer has been quite fun, been catching up with my lepaking which ive been severely deprived off due to puase n all.

to me the draw of rayer is that i get to meet all my cuz together, literally all coz we always gather at the same place, same time. so we will lepak n play xbox or play carrom n make plans for the future(i kid u not). quite difficult nowadays for extended family members to meet.

ytd was cool, the whole of my dad's side came coz we had an open hse, the main forces came ard the late afternoon so i used the chance to GAME. haha hrs n hrs worth coz i didnt tido after suboh. when a non-cuz came, i went out n salam, then went pack to pack some heat. rinse n repeat.

of course when my kaki sume dah datang, had to stop gaming.....n switch to PS2 heh. 2 player gerek dok. mortal kombat was chosen by popular demand of which i pwned evryone without trying lolol. add in some lepaking bawah blok and the day was well spent. now im abt to go to another kaki.s hse where theres a xbox360 waitin for me. now this is the life man. damn fulfilling.

but then again theres a friggin long week ahead in camp, with endless rehearsals for my Commisioning and 2 exams n 2 physical tests......HOLY FUGG i totally forgot bout the exams man. shit amcm nak blaja ni. feel like im faced with an:

eh takpe, kene rilek ni...l8r can study in camp. i hope

untitled 3

2008-09-28T17:15:00.002+08:00

if you stay calm whilst all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation

i like girls with a sense of humour

2008-09-21T00:23:00.005+08:00

that about set the mood for the post heh. shit i actually had a rough idea about what to blog in camp....ah well, here's another vid while i try to rmb

ah yes, solat. ok so maybe the vids dont really set the mood but here, i am king.

i think the call to prayer for trawih is my fav, its like the horn that sounds off the beginning of the marathon, only much more beautiful.

'ushallii sunnatan tarawih rak'ataini jami'ah rohimah kumullah'

this time i find myself more willing to go trawih, i even enjoy it. i rmb the last few years mcm seksa nak pegi, until i even pretend to tido after buke so that my parents wont force me to go. haha the thing is, i go masjid to trawih n it isnt that near so i have no time to rilek after buke. oh n we always trawih 20. yeah dats y i used the word marathon...i think OBS oso kalah in terms of mental endurance sak, no shit. esp if u get the imams that nak complete the whole al-Quran in trawih...mikedi bleh goyang-goyang sak pikir balik

but now i get to trawih even in camp, something totally unexpected man. but one thing i realize, its not easy to focus when u solat. most of the time, my mind wanders here n there and i have to consciously pull it back, only to have it wander again. haha i always knew my solat tak khusyuk, its wat my mom calls: the TUNDUK-BANGUN (TB)

yeap, the idea came from the TB actions of solat. since uve been doing it for the greater part of your life, the TB has become a muscle memory. and the surah-surah are so 2nd nature that u dot even have to consciously recall them. so all u do is: TUNDUK-BANGUN

but then again, my squadmate said that if u fikir that ur solat tak khusyuk when u tengah bersolat coz ur mind wandered then khusyuklah the solat. so......wat i think it means is that since u realize that ur mind wandered n pulled it back then it kinda makes the solat khusyuk, since got times when u go thru the whole solat with ur mind elsewhere. i guess mind-wandering is inevitable for all of us. anyone want to prove me wrong? anyone act got what i said back there? IS ANYONE EVEN READING THIS? hehe mcm paham aje

ah since im chatting with shikin now, im reminded of the pic. jap i go find....

yeap, couldnt believe it too. shikin actually came to ubin. i didnt write that btw, some guy did, at the post of a rest point. so i find it hard to believe that she would drag herself all the way there. but then again she was in NCC and she claims that she can be fierce. well if she can be fierce, than i guess impossible really is nothing. so only one question remains, what were u doing at ubin with guys shikin?!? ish ish ish. and summore the guy tried to cancel ur name when he realized it might expose ur identity...well he should have tried harder heh.

everything written in this post should be taken with a pinch of salt, or a teaspoon of one if ur fingers are small. if you do not have a sense of humour, please do not read this post. if you do, ull understand why i wrote this disclaimer only at the end.

n now u see them

2008-09-19T23:17:00.001+08:00

tada. 7 missing elements. i personally thought the chicken would be hard coz of the camo. n perhaps farah's tudung if u didnt look properly. my mulut one was plain pwnage ah hehe. the rest was kinda obvious. kudos to nad who managed to find all of them. i promise u this will not happen so easily again. heh

spot the difference

2008-09-14T12:56:00.008+08:00

yeahh, spot the difference people. dont know where i came up with this brilliant idea hehe. first time im doing it so a bit noobish and this pic is the most suitable coz got the most no. of things that can 'disappear' if you get my meaning. but tak clear ah, i guess the mpx not gd enuff. so u noe wat to buy next eh fit

orite so there are about 7 things that are diff in both pictures. lets see how gd u ppl are. im booking again l8r, so as usual ur gna have to wait seminggu for the ans. l8r bebs n bros

ties that bind

2008-09-07T13:42:00.006+08:00

Yeah the long overdue post on one of the most coolio part of my life.

The guy in the middle is a national swimmer. Welcome to my cutter, the Endeavour
At the highest point in ubin, above the quarry. it was an awesome place. Land Ex

Oh yeahh, silhouettes FTW

It was a friggin long way to the top, but like that could stop me man woo. Wats 5 stories to a ninja?

occasionally, you get to see beautiful skies. so why not be part of it? lmao

you can just barely see the moon up there. nice shot @ sembawang. possibly the worst place for a beach that ive ever been to. nightmare-standard, oily son-of-a.....

yeah, when u wake up to sights like this. you think its all worth it to push on

my fav pic of the whole trip. when you survive the storm, you'll find that you've gained something few have ever gotten. im on the sailboat btw.

im glad that ive done this, so that i dont have to do it again. haha some things in life shldnt be repeated man. obs to me was more mentally tiring than physically. i mean cmon, u really cant expect to tire out a bunch of ex-army OCTs right? haha i think the instructors learnt that the very hard way.

but one 2 things ive learnt from this place, one is that you can go way more than what you think are your limits. seriously ive gained much more self-respect after doing all the things ive done.

the other is that happiness must be taken in small doses or it loses its attraction. time is made up of moments, like beads on a string, each one separate yet connected. so dont hope to happy happy moments all ur life, itll make the beads boring. add in a little sadness and ull find that the happiness stands out more.

i wonder if you can get sick of being happy?

metaphors of reality

2008-08-31T17:40:00.004+08:00

Winning is realizing you already won by being in the running. You may not finish ahead of many other runners, but you already have beaten the much bigger pack of people who choose to move on wheels instead of feet.

Losing is not starting, but being content to tell about what might be or what might have been.

Winning is finishing the distance you set for yourself, however humble it might be. Speed is a gift your parents either gave you or couldn't give you. You had little to say about it, so the time you take to run your distance doesn't say much about your spirit. But endurance and persistence are qualities that a re largely trained and learned. Finishing is a victory of strong spirit over weak flesh.

Losing is matching yourself against everyone else who runs. This is self-defeating, because few people ever win this way and those who do, don't keep it up for long.

If the going is tough and the pressure is on, if reserves of strength have been drained and the summit is still not in sight, then the quality to seek in a person is neither great strength not quickness of hand, but rather a resolute mind firmly set on its purpose that refuses to let its body slacken or rest.

uncounquered

2008-08-29T22:56:00.004+08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Rejoice in the Perseverance of the Human Spirit

time to go

2008-08-11T09:11:00.003+08:00

aite ppl, my 70th post woo. ill be gg OBS this thurs for a 16-day trip, so i wont be back for damn long. n this will be my last post for a long time. ill keep it short coz the main stuff was said in the post below.

feels good to be home on a mon. its so much more relaxing to know you dont have to rush back from anything to go book in on sun evening. that being said, i had flu whole of ytd, so it wasnt cool as well.

I could not become anything:
neither bad nor good,
neither a scoundrel nor an honest man,
neither a hero nor an insect.
and now i am eking out my days in my corner,
taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation
that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything:
that only a fool can become something

aite, got a couple of things left to do before i go. slamatz ppl. cya in 19 days.

roll with it

2008-08-10T18:13:00.008+08:00

as someone or other once said 'life is like a toilet bowl, its full of shit' and someone else also said 'when shit hits the fan, it will not be distributed evenly' so i say 'roll with it'. time's awasting as you worry bout things you have no control over. so just go with the flow.

this blog has gotten way too serious, it originally had no purpose. lol i still remember the origins of the blog man. but someway throughout, i decided it was to be a place of humour, a place ppl could come too & get a gd laugh, chill n rilek.

most times what we do are not productive at all like watchin movies, lepaking, playing games, lepaking, daydreaming and lepaking. but as my buddy pointed out, if we dont do that then we;d be doing CIP n reading self-improvement books all the time. so pick ur poison and make sure it doesnt kill you. which is why i posted the totally useless vids above. thats my poison.

if someone were to ask you if they are capable of doing something, would you always encourage them to go try? even if you thought it wasnt possible for them. i would and i have. because sometimes:

but then again

err yeah, so just roll with it

who would ever want to be king

2008-08-02T22:03:00.005+08:00

A scorpion wanted to cross a river, but it couldn't since it cant swim. So he asked a frog to carry he on its back and ferry him across. Now the frog at first refused because he was afraid that the scorpion would sting it, but the scorpion pointed out that if he stung the frog then they would both drown. Seeing the logic, the frog agreed and so ferried the scorpion across. Halfway thru, the frog felt something digging into its back and turning around, it saw the scorpion retracting its sting from his back. Filled with outrage, even as the numbness crept through his body, the frog asked:

'Scorpion, why did you that? Now we both really will die!' and the scorpion replied:

'I can't help it, it is my nature'

it would be so simple to blame what we do on our nature. sure, we do have our own human nature but we are given the one thing that differentiates us from animals: choice. we are led not by instinct but by conscious decisions so i wonder why we do the stupidest of things sometimes.

moving on, school will be starting for most of you people out there. well u worked for it or you didnt, but u got this far so might as well go all the way right? dont do a half-fuck job about it, get on the deans list n stuff. we all know right now the struggle to achieve something(unless ur farid) so make the necessary sacrifice this time round. i have learnt my lesson or at least my eyes have opened. i know what i have to do from now on, all i need now is to gather my resolve. and for all those who like me, did not make it anywhere, what choices have you made up till now? ive made peace with myself coz i walked through that fire, ready to die. did you?

'nothing can resist the human will that will stake even its existence on its stated purpose'

no shaking throne

2008-07-27T12:45:00.005+08:00

ah movie semi-marathon was awesome. hancock n batman....both superhero movies n surprisingly it seems like both have similar messages: make the sacrifice

you know, people think that courage is having the lack of fear, not fearing death or pain. i think thats shit yo. you need a bit of fear to keep you on the edge, keep the adrendaline pumping. fight or flight. i think real courage is when you feel afraid until the thought of running away consumes you, and yet you decide in that moment that there is something more important than being afraid. and so you keep going forward despite that fear.

have you the courage to walk the darkest road?

quotable quotes

2008-07-20T17:41:00.003+08:00

long day ytd. supposed to be a semby+lpSG outing at lau pa sat @ 2pm(lol?) but evrything went haywire. it was last min delayed to 5 pm so holy shit we got 3 hrs of unplanned activities to plan. lpSG, being super gd at doing last min stuff, but insanely sucky at making it happen decided to watch movie: hancock @ marina square. or so we thought...

the movie was supposed to start at 250 but thx to urs truly, who was 10 min late, we didnt buy the tickets in the end. rabakzz. so we went walking to i-honestly-have-no-idea where and played 30 mins of pool b4 heading to far east to meet semby. and then surprise surprise, my(possibly) partner-in-crime wasnt there coz she had cls outing. bastard sak fitrah hehehe. organizer MIA sia. along with an owl. i wont say who, but there are 3 owlz. n 2 were present. yeh. lolol lucky u got valid reason.

ah well shit happens, but we carried on. makan at some chinese halal restaurant. not bad ah the food. but it was too rushed ah, we had plans l8r & it was getting late alr. so after a bit of shopping by the girls we headed off. oh but i got my bday present. haha when hida asked me y i nvr bring bag i knew they were gna give me something, but i couldnt figure out wat. the last big occasion was my naik pangkat n dat had notin to do wit them pe. damn shocked ah when it was a belated bday gift hahaha. but here's my:

THX TO SEMBY

who bought the cool gift for me. id show u all wat it is, but time is runnnig out coz i have to book in soon. em lets see, in abt.....now actually. oh shit

to be continued.....

ok im malas to talk on something so far in the past so im not gna cont. mebbe ill juz add in some pics if i feel like it. oh n clarification, im no calling u a bastard lah fit hahaha wth sak. im saying u bastard-ed us. which means pangseh lolol

the irony

2008-07-19T03:03:00.002+08:00

ok, its been a weird week so to speak. currently its 4 o'clock in the bloody mornin. i am not sleepy.

and without further ado, i bring to you: 'how solve the unsolvable questions from nad's blog'

1. The Penguin

a plane crashes in the middle of the antartica. there were only a few survivors, and they needed to go find help. to do that they needed food, so a group of them went off to get it. when they returned with some meat, they told the rest it was penguin meat. so evryone ate it n journeyed to the nearest town. upon getting help n returning home. the guy's wife cooked him a penguin meat meal. but when he ate the meal he realized that it tasted completely different from the one he had in the antartica. thus he concluded that what he ate there was the flesh of the dead victims of the crash. unable to handle that, he killed himself

2. The Train

a man is suffering from eye problems, he lost his sight. so he took a train to see a doctor to cure it. after being cured he took the same train back home, enjoying looking at the sights. but when the train entered the tunnel, everything turned black again. thinking he got the same(thus uncurable) disease, he couldnt take it and thus committed suicide

3. The water weeds

ok, i think theres something wrong with the question

4. The funeral

logical deduction by the 2nd daughter. the guy only appeared at her family's funeral so far, so if she killed her older sister n got another funeral, the guy might appear once again.

5. the half-matchstick

ok the man was in a hot air balloon when it started to lose height. he threw his luggage overboard to lose weight but it was not enough. so he lit a match to heat the air in the hot air balloon but it was not enough, the balloon crash landed and he was thrown out of the balloon n lay facedown with the matchstick only half-burned.

6. the wood shavings

also something wrong with question

7. the knock at midnight

solved by my sis. the man that lived at the top of the cabin was blind while the knocker was deaf. so shen the blind man opened the door, he couldnt see shit. n so when he opened the door, the deaf guy hand-signalled but the blind guy obviously couldnt see, so he closed the door n went back to slp. this occured a few times until the deaf guy died of cold.

. . .

the questions are kinda inherently flawed. clearer explanations should have been given. ok now im damn sleepy. cont l8r

my pictures speak for me

2008-07-12T23:23:00.005+08:00

propose a toast

2008-07-06T01:52:00.005+08:00

it has been an eventful week, literally n figuratively. got my Senior Term Bar ytd, more like 2 days ago since its 2 am alr, on the 4 th of July. well notin changes with that added Bar, but after all the stuff ive been thru, i think we all kinda deserve it. my prev rank has seen me thru a lot, i rmb the sense of pride when i finally received it. i worked for this, one of the few things i really worked my ass off for, and well things have been going good.

after the rank presentation, we had a celebration called Social Night lolol. it was kinda fun, the food was good & the performances impressed even me sak. haha perhaps it was the presence of so many girls around(in dresses no less) that increased testosterone levels(aka more horny) so everyone was out to impress. it was i success in my opinion. so baaik evryone.

come to think of it, ive really done quite a bit in this short period of time. in the Army ive handled the M16, threw a grenade, completed SOC, lived in a jungle, learned combat tactics, got my fitness to a Gold level. in the Police ive learnt to use a t-baton, shot a revolver, learnt the law, maintained my fitness at Gold level, learnt lifesaving skills. ive climbed mountains before, rock-climed, learnt the guitar, been at a military dinner, marched as a Guard of Honour, kayaked the distance around Singapore. ive went caving, explored the 'haunted' places in Singapore, lepaked overnight to look at the sunrise, went snorkeling and completed a whole lot of video games....so it makes me wonder:

what the f**k have you done lately?

the small things

2008-06-29T13:41:00.003+08:00

zomg, if i was like the gay looking korean guys that nad likes so much, i would orgas when watching those vids.

starcraft 2 looks badass, the stroryline is cool yadda yadda. but the game is basically sama-sama. but diablo 3 on the other tangan, is now officially announced 10 years after d2. a friggin DECADE.

ah, imagine the possibilities. playing online n losing myself in that so-damn-fake world. ni kene ade constant reality checks man. being in NS n stuff. haiz its like this pic, must balance between the fun n the serious:

an ordinary story

2008-06-28T18:30:00.003+08:00

whoa, 5 tags from 5 diff ppl? thats gta be a new record man. ok now that was just sad....

nadh: haha style kan. banghra beb woo

yat n fit: so wat is this, ganging up on the black dude? haha i nvr really forgot my roots. i guess i just nvr really appreciated it

farahsyahirah: lol, is it ok if i call u syahirah? coz i already call ur sis farah. or ill call her hasinah n call u farah. heh dat'll be damn amusing

hida: apparently not ah. shes really anonymous lol

.
.
.

'i guess its human nature to wonder about the future, when you worry that your dreams might not come true'

that quote came surprisingly from Scrubs. it started out as one of those hospital comedies that were poppin up evrywhere, but now its really quite non-cliche. at the end of most episodes the guy J.D has a disembodied voice moment, where he thinks aloud the moral of the story. and the thing is, its somehow relevant for an irrelevant medical comedy.

there was one point where they were celebrating barely escaping blame for the death of a patient because of a technicality, so they were all drinking in a bar. then their mentor Dr Cox comes n looks at them with disdain while reminding them that they're celebrating the sorrow of that pateints wife n kids. so this J.D dude, he finally says:

'the best way to learn from ur mistakes, is to carry it with you always'

and theres the ending where it shows the ghost of the dead patient following them around as they go about their duties.

it was cool.

blurry

2008-06-21T23:50:00.001+08:00

oh shit i forgot to post, was studying for Penal Code exam. n watching scrubs....ok so i was watching scrubs more than studying. gimme a break will ya? sheesh

dats the dance vid to rival fit's. heh dats wat a dance really is

oh n anonymous, if ya didnt noe im in NS now dats y i only blog on weekends. n dont worry about 'peminat'. its nothing really.

cipher pol

2008-06-15T12:56:00.006+08:00

its finally done haha. its spent 3 weeks in my head, and just under 4 hrs to actually do it. procrastination kicks ass. i must say, this is one awesome piece of work by me. in fact, its so awesome im gna have to use a picture to describe it:

ok so if ur sufficiently bored this week, i have a cipher for u to crack. its a simple system to encrypt messages and it requires a key in order to figure it out. now usually ur gna have to figure out the key for urself, but lets get real shall we, i provided the key for u:

	1	2	3	4	5
1	A	B	C	D	E
2	F	G	H	I	J
3	K	L	M	N	O
4	P	Q	R	S	T
5	U	V	W	X	YZ

all u have to figure out is how to use this key to solve this code

51432551551134354523154344451143141145125143
34453551454535514251241331325534243315515511
22515553233521511331151451412433331534441532
55

i dont really want any of you to actually be able to break the code, but for the hell of it, im gna give u a clue.

'all good things come in pairs'

who da man

2008-06-14T16:28:00.004+08:00

once in a while, you should stop thinking.

but i suppose thats too hard for u guys so at least think slightly less then you are used to. coz you might just miss wats glaringly obvious in this life.

for example, if i put a glass in front of you and filled it with some water. and asked you, is it half full or half empty, wat would you say?

see, a below average intelligent person onwards would choose between the 2. but it takes a special kind of stupid person to question it. that special kind of stupid person might just say:

because a stupid person would not question the fact that u cant fill a half-there glass, with water

n now to add salt to the wound(iv'e nvr actually been smart enough to do that) i have for you the glaringly obvious big pictures that most of you people totally missed while searching for something that isn't there.

so exercise stupidity once in a while people. with enough practice, u might actually be able to see the glaringly obvious the next time i post more of these.

amaze thyself

2008-06-08T12:50:00.006+08:00

mikedi...

2008-06-01T14:11:00.001+08:00

sry yat, long overdue explanation. its nothing really. when i was in VS, we used to say 'mike' as a substitute for 'alamak' or 'oh shit' that kinda stuff. mcm slang ah kat sane.

then kat aj, i got ard to using 'makdi' which i think you know, thx to farid. so after awhile, the 2 words merged ah and BOOM! MIKEDI was borned. ahaha. so its like my trademark word ah lol

its a damn cool word i think...obviously lah, i cr8ed it wat woo

untitled 2

2008-05-25T13:39:00.001+08:00

Don't ask for it; go out and win it with your own hands. Do that, and you will succeed.

untitled

2008-05-19T15:21:00.001+08:00

my soul is tired

51st Post, 47th OCT

2008-05-10T21:22:00.009+08:00

47th Oct. 47th INSP(NS)

a few days ago, my seniors pass out as full-blown Inspectors. they've been a great bunch, some interesting characters, many hot girlfriends n sisters that i had the privilege of looking at and after 32 weeks of shit, they sure as hell deserve it. so now we are the last 59 Officer Cadets in Singapore. something quite pwnage no? many more months ahead, good times and bad, but we is steam-roller baby. we is gna roll all over you. 48th OCT FTW

i have a video of the slow march but unfortunately, i videoed it sideways n takle pusing it back to correct position. my bad. so takpe lah eh i leave you with another video. fir found this, so baik fir

i dont have to tell you to pause the blog song first do i?

a beautiful lie

2008-05-01T15:36:00.003+08:00

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work,
and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for,
in order to get to the job you need,
to pay for the clothes and the car and the house you leave vacant all day long,
so you afford to live in it.

so i say let me be a loser, a poor sod or a dumb fugg. as long as im not normal. coz as you can see for urself. being normal kinda sux.

but looking normal is fine. shit, not like this man. is that too much to ask? lolol

pictures on demand

2008-04-26T21:11:00.008+08:00

A lvl Stress. all for naught, but it was fun. my bag represented me lol

a lone tree. struck me so much i had to take it. sorang sorang

ah. good times, good times. nice attitude face man. WHOS UR DADDY

PROVOST

i was tryin to snap the pic of the steam from the ball. trying. army off-day well earned

thats a BBQ flame btw. my pride n joy. nuclear fission FTW

a picture speaks a thousa...too cliche

sorang sorang

2008-04-26T19:36:00.004+08:00

is it taboo to go watch movie sorang? coz theres this unspoken agreement that certain things are not socially 'correct' so to speak. ya know, like how ur supposed to act blur when someone accidentally lets one loose or how ur not supposed to use a urinal next to someone if there are others available. really, wats wrong with sorang-ing a movie? its good for the soul yo

well there are 2 things you have to consider b4 sorang-ing a movie. the genre and time. deep movies are the most appropriate since you can soul-search sikit w/o interruption from others. or those movies that have a special meaning to you. examples: the bucket list. movies near the end of their screenings are also most recommended since the cinemas will be mostly empty n again this is most conducive for those loner moments. or if you dont want to feel embarrased...for those that are self-conscious(read: im not). no point watching a comedy since its always better to share a laugh. horror....well is you have the balls for it, go right ahead. chick flicks or others, well its better to watch them thru other means if u catch my drift(fitrah will i think hehehe)

so, i went to watch street kings sorang juz now. becoz its a movie thats relevant to me, being in police n all. its not bad uh, throws reality right in ur face. we policeman, we have our own sets of problems, within n without. its not the first time i sorang-ed, nor will it be the last. u lose urself in this world, surrounded by people n always gg out with frens, u forget make time for urself. im not juz talkin bout movie time.

conformism. is something we are all guilty of. our own set of values, somehow they change along the way to adapt to society's way of thinking. but values shouldnt change, it defines who we are. those with the courage enough to hold strong to it, they're labelled pariahs. thats why searching your soul is important lest u drown in the superficiality of this world. theres a loner in each n evryone of us, the face we show to the world might not be the reflection of self, so dont run away from it. use it to find urself again and walk that road, though it may be paved with daggers. but then again, isnt it worth fighting for?

morale of the story: watch movie sorang, it pwns ass

zzz

2008-04-20T13:19:00.002+08:00

ok so i decided to pick this one since the rest takle angzz to the max. im beginning to think blogging wasnt made for guys lol. n yeah, dont bother reading the post below, it hardly makes sense unless uve read the book. thats blogging at midnight for u

i hate sundays with a vengeance nowadays, i dont think i have to explain myself. i gtg pack my stuff n all that now....man i hate sundays. i guess i just have to keep telling myself that tough times dont last heh. orite then, the blog song doesnt seem to be working but ah well

aku tau

2008-04-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

i was reading a book in camp(again) n i came across this awesome part. This is abt a foreign officer talking to the Thai Police Colonel abt the investigation of the death of one of theirs. The colonel just established that they get paid, well....peanuts. He's speaking thru an interpreter(other officer) btw:

Officer: "I'd like to get back to the matter at hand. Does the Colonel have any questions abt that?"

Colonel: "Ask her if Mitch Turner was the deceased's real name"

Officer: (After a pause) "It was one of them"

The Colonel smiles and nods

Colonel: " Now ask her who he was"

Officer: (Slowly, deliberately, politely) "Classified"

The Colonel nods again. Inexplicable silence. Officer turns to Other Officer for explanation.

Other Officer: "People can be subtle in this part of the world. He has just pointed out that in his scheme of things, which u might call feudal capitalism or realpolitik depending on ur point of view, we are both underpaid slaves whom he could buy twenty times over without noticing, who are engaged in an investigation into the death of someone who probably entered the country on a false name and who, for the purposes of police investigation may not even have existed. In other words, we may not have a lot of leverage"

man.....talk abt getting ur ass handed to you. 2 sentences n some silence could actually mean that much. subtlety pwns sak. kudos to the author. why i semangat type this, is beyond me.

ok, i just spent bout 2 hrs looking for a new blogskin, but since nothings changed im sure you can come to ur own conclusion. gahh

pegawai-pegawai cadet

2008-04-12T21:29:00.007+08:00

woooo. 1st confinement period over sak. way too much learning gg on in that place, but wth im not complainin.

ok, i dunno wat to blog abt. so let me regurgitate my day. came back late on fri night, shitty 2 hrs journey from HTA, then............i cant really rmb wat i did. but eventually i went online n read blogs. 2 ppl act went holiday sak during the time i was cut off from the world(yes im talkin bout you 2) n i think some genius from somewhere ended up being a prostitute? lthe world is spinning normally outside camp i guess lol. then cabal-ed till ard 4 am sak.....booking out gives me a hell lot of energy man. if in camp, i usually wake up ard that time hehe.

then tdy went to buy Zen Stone+, believe it or not, my first self-owned MP3 player($207 worth of heart pain). awesome lump of technology. charging it now. then went to stock up on snacks to bring in camp before meeting lpSG at AMK hub for a game of pool....or so we thought....

turns out the pool place dah tutup, its shockin to see so much change in AMK since we left AJ. the pool place has been ther for so long, it could have been a Heritage Site siak. ah well, so we lepaked while waiting for 2 other members to come. then watched Funny Games U.S. pls DO NOT WATCH that movie. unless ur wallet/purse got no more space n u have to dump the cash somewhere. its a movie which self-declared a lack of plot. as fir said, the only nightmarish thing abt the movie is the horror of actually watching it. if you catch my drift(brain rot anyone?)

so i is back now, deciding wat to do. shld i change the blog song? shld i cabal? shld i slp? shld i even press the 'publish post' button n let u all read this shit? life is full of tough decisions.

coz im a steam-roller, baby

juz rollin down the line
yeah im a steam-roller. baby
juz rollin down the line

so u better get out of my way now
or ill roll all over you
yeah u better get out of my way now
before i roll all over you

with a little, a little, a little bit of soul
and a lotta, a lotta, a lotta rock n roll
singing NA-NA-NANANA
NA-NA-NA-NA-NANANA